When love leaves… Where do I go??? Who cares??? Why???
This is a statement / group of questions I have encountered so many times in my life – as I have lived the very questions as well…
Martha and Mary – one had a brother, Lazarus – and Lazarus got sick and died. A normal and given event in real life. No one lives on and on. We all must pass some day. In that event, many are impact – and in my case, I’ve had people so close to me pass that I thought I’d never get over it. Conversely, I’ve had relationships break up that I thought were for a lifetime – and the pain is invariably the same. I’ve lost a piece of my soul, heart, spirit – and in the end – felt like I just didn’t want to live anymore. Yes, I’ve actually had that same experience – so I know the feelings…
The truth is – I haven’t gotten over many of life’s events like this – even after so many years. Time makes it easier to deal with as I am distracted by other events in life – but when I visit those initial feelings, I am overwhelmed with the same profound pain and grief that consumed me so many years ago.
When love leaves, where do I go???
I’ve spent days a couple times, in agony… No amount of crying or groaning would relieve one iota of pain – nothing– touched that amount of pain. And no one cared like I did – I’m alone, so much grief, so much agony – no amount of anything could take away the overwhelming agony of being alone and in such pain that at some points, I just wanted to die. I did not want to live any longer, because I honestly believed there was nothing to live for.
Martha and Mary experienced this too, but had a conviction in their lives, being much older than me, and raised differently – they were Old Testament Jews (by upbringing) – they believed in the Law and the tellings/teachings of the Prophets of old. They knew life did not end with death. Quite the difference – life began in the death of this life – life eternal begins – and that is a perspective I had not been taught well or understood.
They lived in the days of Jesus; they believed that He was indeed, the coming of the Son of God, the Messiah, the Christ, and that there was nothing he could not do.
In short, Jesus came to visit them, and knowing Who He was, Mary used the most expensive perfume (I’m juxtaposing it was like that), and bathed his feet in it, using her hair to clean his feet. She knew she was at the feet of the Son of God.
She conveyed to Him, Lord, if you were but here, my brother could have lived, as you can do all things (she was well aware of many miracles already performed by Christ).
He shared with her, do you believe your brother will rise again and live? She acknowledge, yes! They went to the tomb where Lazarus had been buried 4 days already, and Jesus commanded them to move the stone away from the tomb. They were reserved because he’d been dead 4 days, and the stench alone would be great. Jesus conveyed that he but slept, and was there for this purpose – to show that the Son of God also had the power to give life, as well as take life. As in the end of His, it is He who took His life, not the Romans or Jews, but Christ Himself took His life, and He can also give it.
They moved the stone out of the way, and Christ called out, “… Lazarus, come forth…” (John 11:43) – and this He did mostly so that the unbelievers would have no excuses for their disbelief – they saw with their own eyes what happen. But ultimately – to give them back their brother and loved one – alleviating the greatest pain known.
Martha and Mary had to be the most excited and happiest people on the planet, a dearly beloved had passed away, and was now with them again.
But we do not live in that era – nor do we comprehend something actually happening. There are those that not only believe, but that commune with the dead, and try to share that communication with their loved ones – all to bring them peace (I know my own uncle pondered doing this – but only pondered it, he knew what God’s command was regarding this). However, God has made it clear, we’re not to try and do this – but in faith, trust in Him. He knows our pain and agony greater than we ourselves, if your mind can comprehend that – it’s quite true. No one knows us better than ourselves, except for God. He knows the very hairs on our head – how much more the pains of the heart / spirit / soul. When we grieve, He grieves even greater because He wants to take away our pain and bless us in peace with a conviction like Martha and Mary had, and much more.
When love leaves… Where do I go??? Who even cares??? Why???
When love leaves, it’s not always in death… More often than not – it’s in relationships, but all said – it is a gut wrenching, unspeakable pain – that nothing can address or help. I have known people that did take their own lives because they could not live with the pain. In my few years, I have seen and experienced so much life and death that I can say, when love leaves, where do I go??? Why??? Who Cares???
I go find a very private space and let my mind, heart, soul, spirit – purge me of grief – in tears or any number of ways – I let the grief run its course and purge myself of the initial pain of the loss.
Why do I do this? My mind will drive me insane if I do not. We’re not designed to hold in so much pain and not purge our bodies, minds, heart, soul, spirits – of the indescribable hurt/pain.
Something I have kept secret for decades is the epitome of feeling a loss and suffering… I was only 7 and my grandmother bought me a parakeet for my birthday. I loved birds, and I loved that one to death – figuratively.
I came home from school one day and it was gone. My mother said it flew out the cage and out the house while she was trying to clean the cage. The cage wasn’t clean, but the bird was gone. It hurt quite a bit. Bless her heart, my grandmother bought me another one that very week. I felt almost whole again. The void was filled some and I felt better, but always on edge. You see, I wasn’t raised close to my siblings or family. By age 8 I was taken from a broken home and didn’t see everyone again for a very long time. Anyway… I woke up one morning and the bird was laying on the floor of the cage, dead.
I can only share – that was the only thing in my life that brought me a sense of being. It filled my heart with love and brought me great joy. I just couldn’t believe it was just dead like that. I fought a cacophony of feelings, chaos, and turmoil in my heart like cannot be explained. I only know that anything I cared about – at all – was ripped away from me like I wasn’t allowed to know or feel loved. And in truth – for decades – I did not.
I came to call this a life experience. The character of the person I became is based on the pain, suffering, loneliness – literally – all of my hardships in life – which chiseled away at and made me the character of the person I am now.
When love goes away, where do I go? Who cares? Why?. Over the course of the next decade I found God in many new ways – but most profound – I believed. Jesus did not just come to save me from my sins and eternal damnation in hell – He came to share a love with me that is indescribable – but most profound in the hardest of times. This I learned and believed. No preachers, no persons, no one in particular taught me this – the Word of God in the Bible taught me this. I read, and re-read that Book several years – yearning to know more. As I studied and grew older, I learned. Some lessons were hard – some not – but I learned that when Love Leaves? I follow it back to God because He cares, and His love for us is the single, greatest emotion I took away from all of my learning. I studied many religions… Why the Jews were picked above all is a moot point to me when it comes to the simple things God has tried to teach us. I know that His selection of the Jews is significant and important; I also know that by grace we are saved, through Christ Jesus and the sacrifice he paid for us. We’re saved, we’re loved, and we are because nothing brings Jesus or God more joy than a soul close to their heart that trusts and believes them like our youngest children trust and believe in us.
While incomprehensible to so many still – God cares too – greater than even you. He cares so much, and should he be a man that would shed tears like us, the heavens would flood the world for all of His grieving.
I shared this Evening Cup because of a recent loss and great pain that followed. So many decades of such pain and loss. How do you help one another??? You share that you care – and you can only do that by giving a deep part of yourself. In this Cup – I have given more than I thought I could.
Hallelujah – God is great… Believe, receive, and stand in the knowledge that your love is in you – waiting to be shared. Give, and it shall be given back to you, press down, in great measure – without reserve – beyond your expectations.
May the Lord bless you in the unspeakable peace, and keep you always – in His way…
Live the life you love… Love the life you live… And man, live!!!