Just when you think you have it hard – it can be much harder….
Just when I think it’s about as much as I can take – and please believe me when I tell you – I can take quite a bit. I could take just about anything incomprehensible – when you view what I’ve lived through the past 4 + years, well, prior to that was no cake walk, either…
Night before last I ran head on into racism like I’ve not seen in a very, very long time. I was blown away… Then yesterday – later in the afternoon – more – blatant brutal anger, bitterness (not to do with me) – unleashed on me in such a way that it actually hurt my feelings – if such is possible…. It most certainly is… The greatest of the pain? From a child. Their insolence and condensation was just incomprehensible. I am still blown away by it. It hurts a great deal to have a child talk to you – the parent – with such disrespect and believe what they’re saying is justified and valid? No child – under NO circumstances – has NY RIGHT to disrespect their parents. God would not have commanded it so – were it not of the utmost importance that a child know and understand that. My children DO know and DO understand it. Nonetheless, I was the tail end of the cat-o-9-tails – tattered and torn – and just shredded – no iota of remorse nor concern for my concerns, feelings, or statement in the matter. I never opened my mouth.
Suffice to say – I do not even want to be here any longer – I simply do not want to be. My relationship was already deteriorating at the husband level – it’s total shot now. And quickly moving to select children as well… That’s when I know it’s time to go.. Just go…. So said… but necessary…..
I will miss Mr. Buster and AJ the greatest – as so much joy has flood my soul from these 2 fine children. I cannot fathom being away from them. But the time has come….
In just the past 72 hours – I do not want to even remain on this earth…. That’s how I was left feeling… I hadn’t been torn down, kicked down, kicked while already down, and spit on, lied about, brutally talked to as if I was a butt ugly piece of crap – just too much to describe.
Just when you think you have it hard – it can be much harder than you can imagine – despite any number of excuses or apologies later…. nothing assuages the pain and suffering of such brutal attitude and nasty attitude toward you – when you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.
For this Evening Cup… I had to take a few moments and let those suffering know – you’re not alone – at all. I’m with you man… I’m with you 250% and then some….
If you feel you have something in your life awry – and you feel you should pray for it? Then do just that. Find a quiet spot. Close your eyes, and mumble your heart’s desire to God. He already knows what you have to say. He’s not just the God of 2nd chances – he forgives endlessly – no boundaries – no limits – just hand it to Him – Repent of what you may be doing negative / wrong – confess of that – pray all in Christs’ Jesus’ name – amen. Find a soothing picture to review…
More of New Mexico – Beautiful Settings….
Actually – I believe NM was the previous night – this is off the Mohave Desert someplace – not sure where.
I’m watching Hurricane Florence at Cat #2 – pound the Carolina coast lines…. Doesn’t even put a dent in how I feel…
I’m not feeling sorry for myself. There is a profound difference. I am hurt – beyond expression – I am hurt – no come back – no resilience here – just plain hurt… And DAMN it hurts…
Down home – as a child – when we were worn slap out – we were dog tired… So tired that dog isn’t budging if it’s life depends on it. That’s how I’m winding down…. Just dog tired…
As I’ve shared with my children – you’re on a job to work – not make friends; make friends carefully, slowly, taking great time to test the relationship. It’s critical that the friendships they build are life-long ones – the only ones worth their time. People can be a lot of baggage just by virtue of who they are!!!! So much the more – when it’s garbage in that there baggage. Sorry – those in the know – know what I mean.
Good night folks… Thanks for this evening cup…
We need so much prayer – for bills, health, health and bills… And so our circle goes. For me? No fears… I do believe it’s finally about time I move on. I’m too much of a burden on this family – and in the end – their lives will improve – I believe. I know the youngest will have a time with it – but they’ll hear from me and in time they’ll understand… I pray….
In Jesus’ name…
